Will She Smile For Me?

Visit to the Dojo

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 18:59:39 GMT

Date: Time-skip
Time: Afternoon
Place: Kamiya Dojo, Then Possibly Elsewhere
Characters: Enishi, Kaoru
Rating: PG-13

These days, I have much to do. Between looking after the shop's afairs, getting the morphine-processing laboratory set up, spending time with Soujirou, and assisting Takani-sensei in looking after the clinic's garden, and keeping the various denizens of the underworld from trying to consume Tokyo in vice and wickedness, there is so little time for other things. But, I make time for this. Every single week, I make sure to stop by and check on my sister's flowers.

It's been about five or six weeks since I planted them, and they are now flourishing. I'm tempted to consider moving them to the courtyard behind the weapon shop residence, but... That's a fairly public area, shared with all of the nearby shopkeepers and their wives and children and mutts. It could get so easily trampled. And besides, Tomoe indicated that I should put them here. There have been no signs from her that I should move them.

This time, I don't try to climb the wall of the dojo. After trying it twice, and ending up with a handful of thorns both times, I'm not sure that I ever want to attempt it again. And besides, it's not like I'm worried about who I might run into. Okay, maybe I am a little worried about running into Kamiya-san. Ah, er...Himura-san. I wonder if she'll let me call her Kaoru-san, maybe. I should ask her.

When I get to the gate, I hesitate for a moment, trying to listen for the sounds of voices of students or...any other intimation that my visit might be intrusive. But, I hear nothing. (Not that what I hear is any indication of whether or not there is actually noise.) I clear my throat, after waiting a moment and call out, "Ah, anyone in there? It's...Enishi." It's probably open, but considering the past...maybe knocking and being asked to come inside...is best.

Tending the Clinic Garden

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 18:29:56 GMT

Date: Time-skip
Time: Morning
Place: Gensai Clinic
Characters: Enishi, Megumi
Rating: PG-13

I'm glad that Takani-sensei agreed to allow me to come tend the garden at the Gensai Clinic while she's still recouperating. Even though I've been busy with all of my various profitable projects, and spending time with Soujirou, it's still somehow strangely comforting to do something like this. I'm not exactly certain why. Maybe it's because you can be certain that the plants don't really care if you're a good person or a bad person. They don't care if you've committed crimes in the past, or if you'll commit them in the future.

Plus, it somehow makes me feel connected to my sister again. Not just working in a garden, but... Something about simply being here. About trying to help out Takani-sensei.

Yes, it makes me feel connected again to Tomoe, and not in a way that is laden with crushing sorrow and grief. It's almost...a good feeling.

Today, I bring both news, and two gifts. One of which is edible. I know Takani-sensei is being looked-after by that old doctor and her other friends, but I still don't really trust them to feed her properly. So, I've packed away some pork baozi. They're really the all-purpose food. They can be re-heated using a steaming basket and eaten plain, or floated in some broth -- or even cut into strips and dipped in a red hot sauce. (Which I've also brought along, just in case Takani-sensei doesn't know how to make it.) A little hot and spicy food is exactly what you need for healing.

When I get to the gate of the clinic, I go right inside, carrying my covered basket of baozi. I start looking for Takani-sensei straight away, in order to check on her and let her know that I'm here to work on the garden. Maybe, if she is feeling well enough, she could come out and sit in the sunlight and eat while I work. That would somehow be...nice.

"Takani-sensei?" I call softly as I walk through the clinic. It looks like it's a slow day for patients. I don't see a single one. Huh.

Now Taking Suggestions.

Wed, 19 Jul 2006 15:55:30 GMT

So far, Enishi has put the following in the two coffins he's been toting around:

1) Flowers and dirt.
2) Living people

What do you think should go into the coffins next? Someone you dislike? Need to get rid of some evidence? Cleaning out the storage shed? Let Enishi's-Haul-It-Off-In-Coffins service help you get rid of it!

Prior to Game Start

Sun, 02 Jul 2006 04:32:58 GMT

And then, for days, the world was like many sorts of water. First, rain. Always rain. Constant rain. I could smell it. I could hear it. At times, I thought I was standing in it. I thought I was consigned to it. That I would stand there forever, alone. I tried to run, I tried to find a familiar shelter, but the rain was stronger than my sense of direction, and I ended up lost.

Then, I saw snow. Even colder than the rain, The sound of snow falling is the sound of the entire world being sliced away. Until all you can hear is the beating of your own heart, the strangled noise of your own breathing. Red. Snow. Red. Snow. Tomoe. Tomoe. In the end, in your final moments, I was not even in your thoughts. It hurt. That I should want to be there, in your thoughts, at that time, is selfish...but it hurt.

Snow gave way to the sea. Fleeing. Escape. How far do I have to go, to get away from the pain within? And my mind, my mind rebels. Like a stormy sea, the turmoil feeding upon itself, waves crashing against each other, a typhoon building. A typhoon of rage.

And then, a mud-puddle. The horrors of being a youth on the mainland. Drinking from filth. Killing those people. Clawing my way along the ground, one excruciating inch at a time, to become... To become...vengeance incarnate.

A bridge, a river. That man. I have seen the happiness that he drapes around himself. Happiness he should not have. And as the Sumidagawa rushes beneath us, I pronounce his fate.

Then, the sparkling bay. A procession of too-beautiful afternoons. Of too-clear weather. That woman -- Kamiya. Of all the things she said, she never said the one I expected the most. She never spoke of hating me.

And then, my tears... Neesan. Why didn't you give me the strength? Why did you choose...him? On the beach, as well as all those years ago... Why? Why? In Rakuninmura, I waited for you to tell me why, or to at least put me out of my misery, I waited and waited. I waited so long, my tears wouldn't fall anymore. My grief poured out of me, as if from a kettle, hot -- burning hot. Too long had it brewed. Too long had it been trapped -- with nowhere to go. The loss of it frightened me. All those negative emotions, kept so long inside, are strong opiates to the lonely.

Watery tea. That old man. (I blame him, too.) But then, I could sleep.

But now, now once again, it is raining, and I am cold. You have gone from me, Tomoe. You have gone, and I am alone. I have neither your smile, nor your frown. The rain keeps coming, and I can find no familiar shelter. If this keeps up much longer, I'm going to drown.

In the rain, I run, and run, but I'm carrying something.... It's so heavy. I've been holding onto it for so long, though... It's like I've had it with me since before I can remember.

I come to a stop, and look down at my arms. Even though the rain makes it blurry, I realize that this thing I am holding... That I've been holding for all these years...

Is my sister's umbrella.

I never even thought to open it...

To shelter myself from the rain.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

"Oh, Enishi..." Oneesan smiles as she takes a thick towel and wraps it around my shoulders. She pulls one corner of it up, and tries to rub my hair dry. "I don't understand why little boys feel the need to play in the rain."

"Feh! I'm not so little. Don't call me that. Okay, 'neesan?"

"Well." The smell of rain. The smell of white plum. The smell of home. Neesan's smile. "You'll always be my little brother. Always."

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

It's bright. And I feel like I've been hit with a hammer. Repeatedly. I try to sit up, but it takes forever. The room I'm in is large, and somewhat creepy in its cleanliness. There's a really disturbing statue of Buddha in one corner, and a scroll cabinet in another. It's a temple, obviously. And it doesn't take long before I'm spotted by a monk.

That's right. There was a monk, before. When I was sitting under that tree. Hmph. All comparisons to Buddha aside, that's strangely coincidental.

"You're up. How are you feeling?"

I finally make it to my feet, but prop my shoulder against the wall so I don't fall over. "Unstable."

"Well, you had a horrible fever for three straight days. We didn't know if you'd ever come out of it. But, I'm glad you did."

"....glad?" What an odd sentiment.

"Well, yes. I took care of you." He laughs and rubs his own bald head a bit. "I thought...any guy who calls for his sister so much in his sleep...well, can't be a bad person." He says more, but whatever it is, I just miss it completely, since my good ear chooses that moment to go on the fritz. Oh well, I guess it can't be too bad, with as much as he is smiling.

The monk comes over to me, and grabs my arm to drape it around his shoulder, so as to keep me upright. My first instinct is to punch him, kill him, steal all the valuables in this temple, and reprise my attempts on my brother-in-law's life at the earliest possible occasion. But, the instinct is...completely hollow. Like when you're walking down the road at night, and a cat suddenly zips across your path. For a second, your heart races, and you hold your breath...

And then you realize... It's just a cat.

I'm not afraid of cats. And I don't really want to kill or destroy my brother-in-law anymore.

"Let's get you outside," he says, thankfully close enough now that I can hear him. "A little fresh air and some breakfast will do you good."

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

This is the most food I've had in a long time. The monk is generous, and I have a feeling that his portion ended up in my bowl, as well. I'm suspicious of his kindness, and wait to find out what it is he wants from me. But he just tells me to eat my fill, to rest, and to let him know if I need anything. Then he leaves me to my thoughts on an engawa near a
well-kempt garden.

The garden is fragrant, and well into summer bloom. I lean against a post on the engawa, and alternately doze and watch the flowers. It's...peaceful. Perhaps even the most peaceful I've felt in years. I suddenly feel very free. Now that I've let go of the desire to destroy Himura Battousai, I don't have a definite direction anymore. But, maybe... Maybe that is alright? Just for now, maybe that is okay.

And, sitting there, half-awake, I realize...

The flowers are...sparkling.

My breath catches when I see why. Little drops of dew shining in the morning sun. Tiny little drops of water clinging to petals and leaves. I'm...absolutely riveted. The flowers, they are...

Beautiful.

Within me, I can hear my sister say, "Yes. That's right."

I get it, Tomoe.

The moment you pluck a flower from the ground, it begins to die. Why should I bring you things that are dying or withering? You're right. You're absolutely right.

Once again on my feet, I stumble in the direction I saw that monk go. On my way, I pass a small cart for hauling things like wood or hay, the kind that can be pulled by a man.

How absolutely fortuitous.

"Hey, hey, slow down," the monk says, when he sees me. "You shouldn't run around like that so soon after getting up. It's not good for you. Rest some more, okay?"

I shake my head. There's no time to rest now. I've been resting for far too long, anyway. "I have...somewhere I need to go."

When a man finally decides to live, the last thing he wants to do...is wait.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Of all my wounds from that time, the only one that has a lasting and noticeable effect...are my ears. My hearing on the left side, the side that I punctured, is almost completely gone. The right side, the one that I didn't puncture, but which was affected by Himura's sword-sheathing move, also has some problems, though somewhat milder.

This is probably the reason why I don't mind all of the whispers so much as I pull the cart through the streets of Tokyo. I just can't hear what they are saying. I do see them, though. Old ladies pull their grandchildren off the road to avoid me. Even strong, muscular men, pull out handkerchiefs, and press them over their mouths.

It's a little funny to see them do that, don't you think, Neesan? Or would you scold me for being so impetuous and for scaring people?

I stop and put the handles of the cart down to take a break by a well. After I wash up a bit, I have a drink of water, and then take Tomoe's diary out of my satchel. I keep it in a good lacquer box now, to help protect it from wear. After undoing the leather straps on the box, I remove the diary, open it, and read...just a little. I still have only read a few pages. If I try to read too many new sections at once, it upsets me, and I get headaches...or worse. But, I can easily re-read any parts I've already read and digested. So, sometimes I do that. It's comforting to have Neesan's words with me.

"...have to move..."

There are parts of Neesan's diary from even before she left Edo. I wonder when she got this, and why I never noticed her writing in it. Maybe Kiyosato-san gave it to her before he left? Or, maybe father thought she'd like it? I guess it doesn't matter. It's just something to wonder about.

"...it's...public..."

Well, I guess...while I am thinking about it...

I lift up Neesan's diary, and pull out the other set of bound papers in the lacquer box. I tried to find one that was identical in style, but... I had to settle for one that was identical in -size-. Just so they'd both fit in the box. Mine is blue on the outside.

I open it to one of the very first pages, fish the loose wax pencil out of the box, and write, "I bought this journal on May 20, 1879 in a little shop on the outskirts of Tokyo. The woman who sold it to me insisted on buying a wax pencil to go with it. I didn't want to, at first, since Tomoe's is all in ink, but... It's really very convenient."

"HEY! Are you even LISTENING?"

I look up to see a man with a disturbingly big nose staring at me, his hands on his hips. "I've been telling you for the past five minutes, mister. You've got to move that cart. You can't keep something like that in the middle of a public space like this -- especially not by drinking water. It's scaring everyone who walks past."

"Oh?" I look back at the cart, and then once again at the man. "Am I breaking any laws?"

"Well, no, but..."

"Then leave me alone. I'm busy."

"Hey... I'm serious." The man gets closer to me. Closer than I like complete strangers to be to Neesan's diary. I stick the wax pencil in my mouth, and then use that arm to shove him. He lands on his ass some feet away.

(Oops. Sorry Neesan. I'm bad with people who don't do what I tell them to do.)

As the man gets up and slinks off, I pull the wax pencil out of my mouth, and write about that encounter in my journal along with the notation, "-Try- not to shove random obnoxious people just because they enter your personal space."

After that, I close up my journal, put it back in the box under Tomoe's, and re-tie the leather straps. The box goes back into my satchel.

I go to the well and get one more bucket of water. I inspect my reflected appearance. My hair and face are nice and clean now. I've got a new cheongsam jacket in dark blue with white accents, and matching pants. It looks good, I think. Certainly better than I've looked in the past few months. You almost couldn't tell that I'd been wasting away for so long, except perhaps for how much weight I've lost.

I look proper enough to make a visit. Soon, perhaps.

This being done, I go over to the cart, ignoring all of the onlookers, and inspect the contents.

Oh good.

It still contains two wooden coffins, a sack of large rocks, and a shovel.

I smile lightly at the coffins and whisper my sister's name. Then, I pick up the handles of the cart, and head off down the road.

Practice Thread (To give Kaoru & Enishi some reference.)

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 05:30:10 GMT

Date: During Jinchuu - At some point after failing to strangle Kaoru.
Time: Morning
Place: Island Hideout Of Ultimate Evil - Kitchen (Door open.)
Characters: Only Kaoru
Rating: Up to R.

That woman. That woman is a nuissance. I wish Battousai would hurry up and die of anguish, so I can send her back to wherever. I don't want to look at her anymore. I wonder if I could lock her in a room... No, I'd have to go in there feed her.

(I don't know what she does in my kitchen, but it always smells foul afterwards.)

Why am I even thinking about her? That's completely irrelevant.

Neesan, he's suffering right now. Do you see how I made him suffer for you? The look on his face, wasn't it perfect? Didn't it make you happy?

I manage to take my satchel off with my uninjured arm, and dump its contents onto the kitchen floor. Flowers and plant-clippings go everywhere -- creating a mess that I probably won't bother to clean up, when I am finished. I wince only slightly as I take grab several vases and kneel down on the floor.

Neesan has to have flowers. Whenever she could manage it, there were always nice flowers in our home. She never made fun of me, not at all, for bringing her awkward bouquets of wildflowers. She told me the names of them so patiently, and when I learned those, she helped me memorize the meanings. Tomoe was so patient with me, even when I was a troublemaker.

"White ones...for the porch. Don't you think?" Tomoe would agree with me, I bet. I start sorting out the flowers into bundles of similar colors. I crush the red ones and throw them away, though. I don't think Neesan would like those. When the petals fall off, it looks too much like blood on the snow.

I've sent him to a living hell, Neesan. He'll never even -see- something as pretty as a flower, again. Doesn't it make you happy? Please smile. Please.

Practice Thread

Sun, 25 Jun 2006 02:51:08 GMT

Note: This thread takes place in the nebulous "past", and may possibly be kept as "history" to the game, if all players and mods are in agreement. Or not, if it turns out to just be bleh, or nobody is interested.
Date: A few weeks after Jinchuu arc. (Months ago, by our RPG.)
Time: Afternoon
Place: Rakuninmura
Characters: Anyone who would have a reason to visit Rakuninmura. Maybe bring them soup? Fix a door?
Rating: Up to R.

Shoveling rocks is a terrible job. Apparently, somewhere within these thick stones is copper. Copper that will be used in everything from cookery to warships. But, all I can see in it is rock. I don't care. It doesn't matter. Shoveling shit or shoveling diamonds is all the same to me. Now it is, now it is... Just something to exhaust me. I had to get away from that place, and from that stupid old man. I think he was trying to drive me crazy.

I've only been away for two days, but already I'm covered in the dirt that coats these rocks. I doubt I'd even recognize my own reflection. My wounds still bother me, as infected as they got... But, all the hurts, mental and physical, just sort of blend together, until you can't even remember a time without pain.

There is a distracting din here, the din of men shouting, of rocks flying from carts into train cars. It's loud enough that you can't think of quiet voices. And the smell of sweat and dirt is so intense that you could never conceive of the scent of white plum. I keep hoping that maybe I'll be in some sort of fatal mining accident, maybe it will end quickly for me, but it just doesn't. I'm not that lucky.

"Would you like some water?"

I don't know how I hear her over the shouting and the shovels, but her voice is exactly clear. Maybe she's just been working here so long she knows how to throw her voice. I don't know. But, here she is, in a simple kimono, a sling across her chest bearing something far too fragile for this sort of place. A baby.

She smiles and holds a dipper out for me to drink from. I do drink, but I can't stop looking at her. It is amazing how clean she is compared to everyone else in the area. On the other hand, being a water-bearer isn't quite as filthy work as shoveling rocks. In between sips I ask her for her name, not because I care, but because I want to be able to call to her, if I need more water.

"Kishimoto Tomoe."

The water I am drinking goes just about everywhere, including into Kishimoto's face. I mean, I understand that my sister's name doesn't belong exclusively to her, but I wasn't expecting that. Not. At. All.

What happened after that is a bit of a blur. The cold water soaking the woman woke the baby strapped to her chest, and it starts crying. I drop my shovel on my foot, and somehow accidentally break the water-dipper in half while stumbling to pick up the shovel. Kishimoto starts yelling at me, because the broken cup will come out of her pay. I put my hand over her mouth, because I want her to stop yelling and because I need time to get my bearings, and explain that I'll pay for the damn thing, and to apologize...

And then her father sees me touching her, and storms over with his friends...

I was just defending myself, that's all I was doing. I didn't at all mean to hurt anyone this time, I really didn't. Things just got out of control so quickly. Those men were poking me and screaming at me, and I... I was just trying to explain, so I twisted his arm so that he'd -listen- to me. I didn't mean to break it. I really didn't!

In the end, all I can do is drop my shovel and run... Run back to Rakuninmura. And, so I do. I run and run. I feel like something terrible is brewing inside of me, and I need to hide from it. There's a question that I know is coming, and I just... Don't want to think it. That question is full of more pain than I know what to do with.

There is no way to know the answer to that question, Enishi. So, don't ask it. Don't ever, ever, ask it. That question is pure torture. Nothing more.

When I get back to Rakuninmura, I take Neesan's diary from the place where I've hidden it, clutch it to my chest, and slump against a wall.

Safe. Safe at last.

Prior to Game Start

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 00:48:01 GMT

After leaving that place, I started a journey to my childhood home. It took many days, and the journey was all-the-more difficult because I kept imagining that Himura's woman was following me, and crying because she wanted to go back to her dojo. That really scared me a -lot-, because who would really want to have Himura's stupid woman following them around? I began to think then that I might be going mad, and that my father might have purposefully driven me there while I was in Rakuninmura. Why? Why? I don't know why. Maybe for leaving him alone all those years ago. Maybe for failing to bring back Tomoe to him. Maybe for failing to be able to avenge her. Maybe just because, recently, I occasionally tried to shove my fist down his throat. I don't know why.

It's his fault... He let Neesan go to Kyoto. I blame him, too. (Kiyosato's stupid family should have avenged his death themselves, those cowards. And then Neesan would still be here, with me.) What sort of father is like that? Even if he couldn't have stopped her from going, he should have gone after her. He should have done SOMETHING. He's supposed to be our -father-, that useless, withered old FOOL.

Anyway, back to Himura's woman. I kept hearing her... But, whenever I'd look, she wouldn't be there. I told her to stop moaning about it, and to go back to her dojo or whatever and leave me alone, but she wouldn't. It really gave me a bad headache, and I had to sit down often, and wait it out. A couple of times, some people walked past and looked at me funny, and I almost killed them...just for some relief from the tedious crying, just for anything, anything, anything besides that woman's wailing. But, I...really didn't feel like it. I'd only ever really killed people in order to achieve gains that could be applied to my Jinchuu. Either more mastery over my organization, or for money, to perfect my Watoujutsu, or to acquire henchmen... For some reason, killing random people didn't particularly seem... Worthy. Yes. I was worth more than that. My dedication to Neesan would not be sullied in such a pointless manner.

And that revelation, too, scared me.

What did it mean for me to be her brother, now that I had failed her? Could I call myself her brother? Was I even worthy of that?

That whole line of thinking made me wish I was back in Rakuninmura, rotting quietly. Instead of on a road, listening to the disembodied voice of Himura's woman talk about her dojo.

At the worst of it, I found a good tree to sit under, not too far off the road. I sat. And I sat. I think I was there for a couple days, alternately trying to will Himura's woman to either leave me alone, or come out where I could see her and talk to her. It rained, though, and I must have caught a fever. It reminded me of my time in China as a youth, being so sick so often... Alternately hot and delusional, or shivering so hard I felt like an epileptic. Back then, as now, I couldn't comprehend events occuring around me. Everything was too different, the world was too different from what I expected it to be. (I want a world that makes sense. A fair world. A balanced world. Is that too much to ask?)

Finally, I was so sick I couldn't move, and I realized that was her plan... That was Kamiya's plan. She was punishing me for the grief I caused her during my crusade against Himura. If I had a right to punish, she also had a right to punish. (Even though I'm punishing Himura because he is a murderer, and she's punishing me because she doesn't understand that Himura is a murderer and needs to be destroyed.) Because, even though I don't really think someone like Himura has the capacity to love in a pure and enduring way, she's not just some murderer... She's deluded by his nefarious ways, just like Neesan was, but it -was- evident... On that island, by the way she acted, by the way she waited with endless faith, it was very evident...

That Himura's woman loves him.

She loves him. His presence somehow makes her life worth living. And if I took him away from her, she would hurt as deeply as I do. Not in a theoretical way, but in a very real way. Just like my hurt. Just like the sorrow inside me. Exactly the same. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

Does Himura understand that at all? Can a monster like him really understand something like that?

I don't think I've felt empathy for another living thing for a long time. Sure, then, on that island, I protected Kamiya from Hei Shin's bullet... But, that was somehow not the same. That was empathy for Neesan. This was...

Different than that.

I was cold, and alone, and very afraid of my own mind -- and the strange thoughts inside of it. I felt like I could no longer see my true goal... Once I had been an arrow, shot from a bow, on target for the sun. But, now I was just a leaf, floating down a rushing river, at the whim of the current. I didn't know what everything meant, and I really didn't know who I was becoming. The only anchor that I had was Neesan's diary, and I had problems reading that.

"Are you lost?"

I looked up, and found Kamiya Kaoru kneeling in front of me, peering at me, and smelling of incense.

"Lost," I replied. "Like a cat..." Isn't that what Neesan used to say? All those times when I willfully stayed out playing long after it was time to come inside. And she'd come looking for me, holding a lamp up high and trying not to get the hem of her kimono dirty in the high grasses of the field by our house. "Like a lost cat."

"Well, don't fret. It happens to us all."

I wanted to tell her, then... That she didn't have to be frightened of me anymore. That she could go back to her dojo and not worry, because I wasn't going to make her suffer like I had suffered...

But, when I looked again, Himura's woman had turned into a traveling monk.

(To be continued.)

Prior to Game Start

Tue, 20 Jun 2006 07:18:47 GMT

The first time in Rakuninmura, I stayed... A long time. Sometimes, I wanted to die, but I didn't want to die and go to hell, because then I wouldn't see Neesan. Then again, for a long time Neesan looked unhappy, so it was like being in hell, anyway... There really didn't seem to be any difference between being alive and being dead, so I just didn't care much.

I had Neesan's diary, but I couldn't read it. Whenever I tried to open it, my hands would start to shake, and I'd throw up, so I gave up on that pretty quickly. I didn't treat my wounds from fighting on the island, and some of them got pretty bad, I guess. Plus, I didn't bathe, so I got lice fairly often. I thought it was okay, really, and maybe that I would rot in place while still alive. And maybe Neesan would see and take pity on me, and help me. But, she didn't, so I gave up on that idea, too.

And then I realized someone was treating my wounds and cleaning my hair and feeding me. I didn't feel too good about that, so I told him to piss off, and shoved him away when I could be bothered to move. But, he would just laugh and say that if I had the strength to be that rowdy, maybe I shouldn't be in Rakuninmura. One time, he tried to take my sister's diary away because he said I was getting sores on my right hand from never letting go of it. I think I almost beat him to death, but then he rasped my sister's name. I stopped kicking him, and he said, "Tomoe wouldn't like that, now would she, Enishi?"

So, then I became a little more interested in that old person. I really didn't like him very much. I didn't like the way he looked at me, or the things he seemed to know about me, like what foods I liked best, or things that Neesan used to say. But, then he told me that he loved Neesan, too. I realized it was stupid to sit around and let that old freak play with my mind, so I left that place.

I took on some odd jobs, really anything that kept me busy and moving and too tired to think. I was a longshoreman for a while, and slept in a flop-house (when I could sleep - which was practically never). But, eventually I couldn't take that anymore, either... Because I kept seeing people that reminded me of other people, so I ended up back in Rakuninmura. This happened on and off for a while, and that old man was always there, waiting for me to come back. A lot of times, I thought about killing him, just as a break from thinking about killing Himura, because for some reason, the old man made me REALLY, REALLY, mad. But, whenever I tried to break his neck or beat him to death, I'd get sick again...just like when I tried to read Neesan's diary. And so, I just couldn't do it.

I didn't see Neesan at all for a very, very, long time. It scared me. I told that old man I wouldn't try to shove him anymore if he could find something to help me sleep. I hadn't slept much since my failed Jinchuu, and even before that...not so much. (In fact, I don't think I've slept quite right since Neesan was murdered.) He said he would help me, because it would make me less rowdy, and he brought me some tea that allowed me to sleep a lot.

I had a dream, but it wasn't about Neesan. It was about Himura's woman. In the dream, I told her that I was sorry for involving her in my Jinchuu -- and that I still hated Himura a lot, but that if she had any scars from what happened, I would do my best to make up for it. I think it's because... I wouldn't have wanted someone to kidnap Tomoe and take her to a strange island... Even though Himura did take Tomoe away from me, I shouldn't have tried to be like him in order to punish him.

When I woke up, I felt different. And when I was able to open Neesan's diary and read one of the first few pages, I knew that Neesan was with me again, even though I could not see her. I knew what she wanted me to do, but I really didn't want to do it. Especially since I meant seeing Himura again. I didn't think I'd be able to do it...and I told her so.

But that old man's voice came out of the darkness and said, "Why not, Enishi? You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain."

And then I told my father to shut up.

And that he better still be in Rakuninmura when I got back.

And I left.